12 Is My New Fav Number

so in my endeavors to lose weight this summer, i'm pleased to say i'm actually succeeding!
i've lost 12 pounds since i've been home. 12!!
that's friggin awesome!
i'm feeling better
i suppose i'm starting to look better
and i'm happier
for real, if i can keep this up, i'll reach the 30 to 40 pound goal for sure :)

i don't doubt this one bit,

but i'm begging you God, please make it known;

When Your Shoulders Can No Longer Take The Weight Of The World

lonely.
dejected.
angry.
sad.
confused.
discouraged.
lost.
kinda just ready to give up.

lather, rinse, repeat;

Out Of Sight, But Never Out Of Mind

my brother left for japan today and won't be back for a month
it's kinda sad for me because he just got home from school and i feel like i've had no real time with him to catch up and just hang out.. just be stupid like we always are together
tonight, my one prayer request is that he gets there safely
it's hour 9 of his 13 hour flight now.. hard times for real
but i just want him and his team to get there safe 
and i also pray that the mission work they do through music ministry this summer will reach the people of japan in a way that they most desperately need
finally, i pray that he'll come home to us soon, and that me and my siblings can start to rebuild our friendships with each other to what they used to be
saying bye to my family over and over now that we're all growing up is getting harder and harder each time
i guess i'm just realizing how fast life is progressing
it used to be this leisurely stroll in the park
now it's this friggin bullet train that does seem to stop for anything
and i don't really know how to adapt to all these changes that seem to be coming faster and faster
all i know is that God has a plan for us
and i'll be counting down the days till june 8 when i can finally be with my whole family again
there's nothing i hate more than being away from the people i love the most
especially my siblings, my very best friends; 

but i didn't even realize that i actually might care a little bit
that awkward moment when jokes become for real;

Bleh.

FRUSTRATION!

pretty much sums up my life right now;

Fixer.

why does it feel like i'm always the one listening and no one is every listening to me.
i realize that there are different kinds of people in the world, and i am more than aware that i fall into the "fixer" category. 
i listen, they talk. i fix things, they feel better, i feel good for helping, everyone is happy.
but i'm not!
i know i have people that are truly there to support me and that i can always go to if i ever need a shoulder to cry on, our just a patient ear.
but i still can't help but feel like my problems aren't as important and their's
and that if i try to unload, it'll just pile on top of everyone else's already loaded shoulders.
i try sometimes, only to realize that i can't do it, because the overwhelming urge i have to help others, before myself, takes over.
and i'm left with my problems, piled underneath burdens that i will willingly carry for the people that i care about, no matter how it makes me feel.

Took Too Long To Realize It

okay so i feel the need to rant
like, I seriously cannot stand people who claim to be your friends, only to blatantly use or take advantage of you.

But what irritates me even more, are those people who do such a good job pretending to be your friend, you don’t realize what they’re really doing.

I've always prided myself on being the kind of friend that is there for people no matter what. And i often push my own feelings aside if it is for the benefit of others. But i came to the realization tonight that enough is enough.  I can't let people walk all over me and be complete assholes just because i'm scared of losing them as friends or because i won't be giving them what they need or want.

It hurts, really hurts, realizing that some of the people that mean so much to me, might not feel the same way after all. 

My Summer Goal!

i've decided...
this is the summer that i'm finally gonna take some initiative to be happy with the way i look
4 months. 40 pound. 
LEGGO; 

Me and Mr Wrong get along so good 

Even though he breaks my heart so bad 

We got a special thing going on

Me and Mr Wrong 

Even if I try, no, I never could

Give him up cause his loves like that

Ain't no way that I’m moving on

I love my Mr. Wrong;

So Hard To Say Goobye

last moments in my dorm room,
so many memories in 231;

Bestfriends

I can honestly say they were the best of the friends that i had
But YOU are my first real best friend.
And i gotta say,
I don't know what I'd do without you bud;

So It Has Been Confirmed..

I found out a couple days ago my brother is finally dating this girl he's liked for a long time
And my sister is still dating this really awesome guy that she's liked for quite some time
And then my boyfriend is.. oh wait..
Like, i don't wanna whine, but for real, starting to wonder what's wrong with me;

#firstwolrdproblems

Expression.

i've always been one to keep a diary, or at least try to keep one.

and as i've gotten older, i've found it difficult, until i found this blog

and i realized the other day that as fun as tumblr is, i can't express myself there the way that i can here

completely unafraid of who might read this

so i'm back and ready to write my life away

and i must say, i'm supa stoked; 

so i've come to the realization,

that i really have no idea how to get through to you,

or to bring this up,

or to get this big ass elephant out of the room; 

or do you not think so far ahead..

a tornado flew around my room before you came
excuse the mess it made


i been thinkin' bout you, you know know know
do you think about me still?

which is probably why i'm so scared to talk about it; 

you really don't

and i really wish you did; 

all i want to do;

this is quite simply all i want to do

just. be. here. 

i dunno when it hit, but i'm suddenly having this sick feeling in my gut as school is getting closer and closer.
i don't wanna go back. i'm scared.
i'm scared of disappointment.
i'm scared of failure.
i'm scared of change.
and i'm even more scared because i know that all of those things are inevitable.
for the first time, in a long time,
i really just don't know how to fix it;

so scared of getting older, i'm only good at being young;

stop this train
i want to get off and go home again
i can't take the speed it's moving at
i know i can't
but honestly won't someone stop this train 

2011, done son

So this is kinda becoming a tradition I guess. Just reflecting on the year that past and making a toast to the future.
So 2011, I told you to bring it on, and you brought it!
You brought tons of great new friends.
New and harder classes at school.
Time to settle in my new home.
A great summer after an awful one last year. Can't forget to mention SWAG.
A heck of a lot of closure.
And soooo much more.
So 2012, bring it on, again. Haha